Crying...

Do you ever find yourself crying? Sometimes it's a happy cry, sometimes sad, sometimes devastating, and then there's the 'holy crap, how did i get to this point in my life' cry. Have you ever been there? It's the "i don't even know if i can trust my best friends cry." The "you clearly just lied to me" cry. The "I know it's been a year already, but my heart is still in a million pieces, move on already" cry. The "fucking, WHY?!!!!" cry. Nothing can make it better except letting it happen, letting it out and just crying until there's nothing left. I'm sick of this cry. Even as I sit here crying so hard i can't see the screen. I so deserve a tropical getaway...like forever! Why do i keep putting it off?!! No matter what, I keep coming back to this stupid feeling of being alone and helpless, I've been left in the dust so many times whether it be a friend or a significant other, that my trust is very close to zero. Just the inkling that someone i'm close to has wronged me makes me sick and feels like i'm nothing. That someone I am having a really good time with is also having a good time with someone else... Is it really wrong to say that? That people always leave me? That no matter what I hear from others, that "why are you single, you are amazing, gorgeous, the nicest person I know" that I am still alone. That no one i've ever been with has really fought for me; to keep me around, or really cared enough to...care about my wants and my needs...i ALWAYS end up compromising for theirs. I give my WHOLE heart in all I do, and it just gets walked all over. It's the worst feeling. No wonder I seem so confident to others. What you really see is my wall. That wall never lets anyone in 'cause i know what they will do to me. No one has ever proven me otherwise. So why let it down? My heart can't bear another beating. I try to be so nice and so innocent when i'm really wanting to punch you in the face. "Why did you have to go an ruin me like this? Why did you have to go and promise the world and not even deliver on a grain of sand? You are the reason that my step forward is so painful, so scary." Life is so complicated, it hurts to breathe sometimes. It has been a year. Some of this is easier. Most of it is not. Your face still haunts my dreams, and I compare you to every person i know and the places we've been. It's not fair. Not fair to me, not fair to the next guy. Just the thought of driving near your old place or hearing that you might be in town cripples me. Just get out of my head and move on already!! They say scars like this give you character, make you stronger. I just don't feel stronger right now. I feel little and insignificant, just the way you made me feel while we were together. I know I play it like i'm strong, and i'm doing fine, but i'm not. What I really know is that I do have much more than you--you are the insignificant one, making me feel this way. You gave up much more than you thought when you let me go. I hope you always regret that.