Not That Girl

Shame is a powerful thing. I have recently come to realize over this year of learning about patience that I am not 'that girl.' I am not that girl that gets married. I am not that girl that gets married and has a family. I am not that girl that owns a house with that family. That vision is not something I can even imagine anymore. I just can't picture it. I need to accept the fact that I am not 'that girl' and most likely never will be. Relationships have been hard, broken beyond repair, untrustworthy, deceitful, hurtful, full of regrets and too much heartache. I have not been truly loved back when my heart has always been all in. It's been so hard because it's not meant to be for me. 

This past year I have been in yet two more deceitful, used 'relationships.' My heart cannot take it anymore. I have so much to give and yet nothing left at the same time. When will it end?

I sit here writing this because I am once again sitting in my car crying so hard that I can barely see or breathe. You see, I am in the position of possibly liking someone that I don't even know yet, feeling the pressure of possibility and let down all in one not so happy little place. And I am intensely ashamed. For what reason I am not even completely sure. 

So where does this shame come from?

For me, shame is that deep down feeling that you are not worth it. You are not enough, you are not worth the trouble, the care, the love, the time, the money, and the list goes on and on. No matter what-you have done something wrong, embarrassed yourself, been taken advantage of or used. I liken it to running up the wrong escalator. You are going nowhere fast and looking like a fool in the process. 

This feeling leaves me terrified, petrified even, of even liking anyone nevermind dating someone. I just always know that I will be let down or hurt in some ridiculous way that will take me far too long to recover from again. Who wants to subject themselves to that?

I pray that God will take this dream, these wants and desires of a true loving marriage and family, out of my heart. It is too much for me to carry. It is too much to walk around with crippling fear that I am not enough. It distracts from my calling; His calling for me. 

It is here that I realize I have been given a huge loving heart not for a significant other, but to love on those around me. To build a community of loving believers. To care for, cherish, and watch over each one as my own children and family-my heavenly brothers and sisters. My purpose and gifting far exceeds any expectations of this world. I need to accept that I am not 'that girl' and live for nothing more than God's kingdom. That is where true hope and love lives. 

If more patience is what God desires from me, then I will patiently wait on the Lord. 

"He will hold me fast, 

For my Savior loves me so,

He will hold me fast."

Proverbs 3:5-6

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/how-christians-ruin-dating